I Have a Friend at Vandy Who Fucked "The Rock"

She said he wasn't even that good.

With a name like The Rock, I mean, you'd think...

A Shout-Out to the Bone

Through four games, the Bears have given up only 29 points.

For those of you scoring at home, per game that's seven-and-a-quarter.

Reason #37 Why the South is Bass-Ackwards

With the baseball playoffs starting, I turn my eyes to the TV set and my ears to the radio at all times. I may have slacked during the last month and a half of the season, but I'm back, baby. And with all the playoff games on ESPNRadio, I should have no problem if I need to run out for a quick errand, or if I want to listen to the game in the shower, right?

WRONG.

ESPNRadio in Nashville embodies everything that's wrong with the South. They first got on my bad side back in September when the Yanks swept the five-game series from Boston. The second game of that series was on Saturday, and before the Boston Massacre Redux, the AL East race was tight and it was a big game. Big enough to be on ESPNRadio... except in Nashville, where they were, I swear to God, airing a Big 10 College Football Preview show instead of Yanks-Sox in September! I may not be a college football expert, but I do know where the Big 10 teams are from, and it's NOT in Nashville, NOT in Tennessee, NOT in the South. So they forewent Yanks-Sox in order to preview a Midwestern college football conference.

And now. Now ESPNRadio has got all the playoff games. Guess how many ESPNRadio in Nashville is airing. ZERO. Instead, they've got their local slow-talking schlubs called "The Sports Guys," which include a guy named "Boots" and another guy they call "Coach." Instead of playoff baseball, the national pasttime, they're talking about what kind of shot Middle Tennessee State University has of "hanging in there" against Louisville this weekend. (Let me give you a hint, Boots: NONE.)

I wish that seven score and one year ago, our fathers had added a couple conditions to the South's surrender in the Civil War:
1) When radio eventually gets invented, no one named Boots is allowed to speak on-air.
2) When baseball playoff games are broadcast on national radio networks, all stations in that network have to air them unless they've got a legitimate reason.

"How was class?" "Not bad. I won ten bucks!"

Friday night I was trading one-dollar bets back and forth with this guy Casey over ongoing games of beerpong (Mostly it was whether the crappy team was going to hit two cups or not before Cullen, beerpong master, cut them down to size and finished them off). We got all fired up about betting and decided to put some money down on how many times our Contracts professor, Rasmussen, would say certain words. Initially we wanted to bet on how many times he'd say the word "Gosh" but it was too hard to set the line because the number's so high. I think we decided the line would have to be in the 16.5 to 20.5 range. Instead, we bet on how many times he would say the word "Azuri," because he uses hypotheticals to demonstrate different principles, and they always involve him buying an Azuri jersey (Italian national soccer team) from the Brown Sporting Goods Store (Brown is his wife and is also a professor here). We set the line at 4.5, and I took the under for five bucks.

It wasn't even close. Rasmussen started the class off by talking about something from the news about Starbucks e-mailing their employees and giving them a free iced drink and telling them to share it with their friends and family. Apparently, and I haven't paid any attention to the news at all the last couple months, it got e-mailed around the world, everybody and their mother was using them, and Starbucks decided to stop honoring them. Of course someone filed a class action lawsuit. More importantly, Rasmussen didn't get into his tried and true hypos. In fact, he didn't say Azuri even once, so I won five bucks. Casey went double or nothing with me for Thursday's class, which was dumb on his part because I would've been willing to move the over/under number down to 3.5 but he offered it at 4.5 again. Once again, Rasmussen went the whole 85 minutes without saying Azuri even once, so I was up ten bucks on Casey for the week (beerpong bets aside).

Casey decided, to his detriment, that he had no more money to lose to me. It was to his detriment because the next thing we would have bet on was how many astronauts have graduated from the University of Tennessee. He said it was 11 or 14, I offered to bet that it was under 10.5, he declined and we decided to do a gentleman's bet, and after some intensive internet research he got proof that the right number was in fact 11. Then on Friday I offered to bet him on the Azuri thing again and he declined... so of course, Rasmussen said it 7 times in the first 15 minutes of class. It was pretty funny because every time he said it the people sitting around the area where Casey and I sat would shoot each other knowing glances and stupid smirks.

Side note: In Friday's class we started a new subject and Professor Rasmussen said it would be the most confusing class of the semester. And even though Contracts is the class I'm having the most trouble with, I was a fucking superstar. I made a comparison between the Willistonian view of the parol evidence rule and the way today's courts view statutes, as opposed to the Corbinesque view of the parol evidence rule and the way the Seavey v. Drake and Hatley v. Stafford courts viewed statutes. Needless to say, Rasmussen had never considered that. It was extremely validating and an awesome way to end the week, because that was the last class before the weekend. Go me.