Celebrate the Birth of Your Nation by Blowing Up a Small Portion of it

This 4th of July, in the great American tradition of open-ended "wars" that it isn't possible to ever truly win (see the War on Terror, War on Drugs, War on Poverty), I am declaring war. I am rising up in defense of the Northeastern United States.

My hand has been forced. It's not something I wanted to do, to make enemies of my brothers and sisters (both figurative and literal). But more and more people have moved out of the Northeast or made known their intentions to do so.

I find this completely unacceptable. There has been a tacit understanding, a covenant if you will, between and among those of us who have spent the majority of our lives in the Northeast. It's one of those important social contracts that separates us from the animals. It boils down to, "I'll stay in the Northeast, you'll stay in the Northeast, and we'll hang."

The great part is that it's not just a one-on-one arrangement; bunches and bunches of cool people are in the Northeast, giving us a degree of "Critical Mass" that no other region can match.

Recently, though, people have been flaunting this arrangement. Friends of mine and their siblings are under the mistaken impression that it's alright to leave the Northeast for Seattle, Atlanta, Kansas City, Virginia, and other places. They probably would not appreciate me naming them in this space, at the same time as I call for the heads of those who would leave the Northeast. I will, however, name Jeremy Veit, Sarah Veit and Anna Veit, all of whom have moved to the greater San Francisco area, as deserters. That's right. This war has truly turned brother against brother.

I don't think it'll ever be anything more than a Cold War though, because I don't own any weapons and can't see myself engaging in fisticuffs over it. And the comparison to a Cold War is appropriate on a couple other levels as well. It's not a fight for territory. We've already got the best territory there is, the Northeastern United States. It's more a fight for the hearts and minds of our friends and family members.

We're also fighting against a domino effect similar to what was feared during the Cold War period. If people start leaving the Northeast with impunity, others (i) start to consider the possibility that the Northeast may not continue to have its historical critical mass (a "critical mass gap," if you will), and (ii) think that it's okay to leave the Northeast.

Let me counter both of those misconceptions: (i) the Northeast will always have critical mass. Trust me, those of you who are living on the West Coast or down in the dirty South, you're going to be coming back to New York a lot more than any New Yorkers come visit you, and (ii) IT IS NOT OKAY TO LEAVE THE NORTHEAST. You will lose friends and loved ones.

There are a couple caveats that apply in narrow circumstances. If, as is the case with yours truly, you are leaving the Northeast to attend an institution of higher learning and you loudly profess your intention to return to the Northeast upon graduation, you are granted a temporary get-out-of-jail-free card. If your career path absolutely requires a stint outside the Northeast, you can go if you promise to come back as soon as it is professionally viable to do so.

There are probably some points I'm forgetting here, but you can be sure that I will re-visit this issue again in this space and in conversations with the people who visit this space.

Please join me in this important fight.